1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
