Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
