Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
