She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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