Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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