If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I could fuck to npr.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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