I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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