i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
