When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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