it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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