Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
