put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
