Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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