I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
