Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
