Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
