Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
