I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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