I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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