I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
