anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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