my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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