I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize