Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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