I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize