whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
