I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
