phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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