So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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