Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
