He kissed a someone with a penis
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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