it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
