my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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