Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
