I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
