What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
