I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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