My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
