I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize