im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
