you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
