I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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