sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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