It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
