accomplished twins. life is a go
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
