There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had to cum in my sink.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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