id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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