Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm bleeding and have questions
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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