I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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