It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
