Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize