i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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