dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
