the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
