I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
