Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
