I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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