I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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