You just made me feel so damn special
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
