so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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