I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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