I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
