I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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