And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
