I could make wine with my vomit
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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