I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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