Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
